Not Strong Enough
by Proud Mudblood
Summary: Reid knows he should, but he can't stop. And he can't bring himself to ask for help. What happens when JJ and Gideon walk in on a suicide attempt with letters addressed to each member of the team?
1. Fade to Black

**At long last, my muse has returned! Admittedly, not in the way I expected, but it's progress! This is my first Criminal Minds fanfic, and for you Criminal Minds buffs I want you to be prepared for a mangling of the timeline - while I've seen a good portion of the episodes, I didn't watch them in order. Sorry.**

**As a heads up, for the sake of the story, the team never discovered that Diana Reid was a paranoid schizophrenic.**

**Also, can someone tell me if JJ technically counts as an Agent?**

* * *

_**Fade to Black**_

He couldn't take it anymore. He was tired of the drugs, tired of the anger, tired of the secrets….He was just _tired._ He had tried to talk to Morgan, Gideon, and JJ – the three people he was closest to on the team – but he couldn't do it, he couldn't confess to his weakness, couldn't ask for help. But he knew he couldn't do this any longer. He hadn't been to work in a week – he'd requested and received two weeks off from Hotch – his phone was off, and he knew what he was going to do. He just needed to say goodbye. To all of the team. He wanted to say goodbye to his mother, too, but he didn't know what to say. He eventually decided that she would forget about him and move on, ignoring his conscience that told him he was rationalizing so he wouldn't feel guilty.

He wrote to Emily first. She was still knew to the team, so he thought that letter would be the easiest. He wrote to Hotch next. It got quite a bit more difficult, but he could still handle it. His letter to Garcia, though, was very difficult; she'd always been the most emotionally open on the team, and it was easy to picture how upset she would get. Next was Morgan, and he had a bit of an emotional struggle when he addressed the man he viewed as his older brother. Then he addressed a letter to Gideon, his surrogate father. He couldn't quite choke back a sob as he said goodbye. And then the letter he had out off to last – JJ's. He explained everything in that letter; everything he thought and felt, but couldn't say. Moving quickly, he put all the letters in envelopes with the recipients' names on them. Then he picked up the needle.

* * *

"I know that, Hotch, but I seriously think he needs our help," Morgan argued heatedly.

"I agree, Morgan, but we can't force our help on him," Hotch replied firmly. "Reid is smart enough to know he needs help, but stubborn enough that if we try to give it to him he'll resist. You know that as well as I do."

Morgan opened his mouth to make a rebuttal, but JJ spoke first, sounding almost desperate. "Maybe Hotch is right, but I _can't_ just sit here and do nothing. At the very least, Spence should know we're here for him." And with that, the beautiful blonde strode purposely out the door, obviously headed to Reid's house. The two agents in Hotch's office watched her go with smirks, even when Gideon joined her.

"Think she'll realize she likes the kid, yet?" Morgan asked his boss casually, the anticipation of the two finally getting together overcoming their argument.

Hotch just continued to smirk.

* * *

"Do you think you're prepared to face Reid?" Gideon asked.

"I don't know," JJ answered softly. "But I know I can't let him go through this alone," she continued fiercely.

Gideon nodded, in full agreement.

* * *

He felt so light, but so tired. A part of his mind noticed that his breathing wouldn't support him, but he couldn't find it in him to care. He heard a knocking on the door, but couldn't find the energy to say anything, nevermind answer the door. He heard shouting, too, but he was more focused on the growing pain in his chest.

"Spence! Spence, please open the door!" JJ pleaded, banging on the door. There was no answer.

"Reid, I don't want to break down the door, but I will," Gideon yelled through the door. Again, there was no answer, but he waited a moment to see if Reid was going to open the door. When it was clear there was no movement, he gestured JJ back, then kicked the door in. The door remained intact, but Reid was going to need a new doorframe.

The pair found their genius friend immediately, he almost appeared asleep in the chair in front of his letter-covered coffee table. A closer look revealed he was blue around the lips, and so were his fingertips. "Spence!" JJ shouted, leaping towards him as Gideon dialed 911.

JJ placed two fingers over his carotid artery, praying to every deity she could think of she would find a pulse. She found one, but it was weak and erratic. She practically shouted the information to Gideon. "Come on, Spence, don't leave me, don't do this to me again," she muttered, fighting the tears she could feel coming; she could cry later, but Spence needed her help right now.

Behind her, Gideon ended his call to 911 and dialed Hotch while going to examine the coffee table to see if there was some kind of clue there. The first thing he noted was that each member of the team had a letter addressed to them. The second thing he noted that worried him more was the needle and bottle of dilaudid. With a shaky hand, he reached towards the letter addressed to himself.

_Dear Dad,_

_I know you don't like us calling you that, but it fits. You were always there for me, something I always thought a good father would be. Even now, when I'm lashing out at everyone, you're there. I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough. I couldn't fight it. And I'm sorry that I didn't go to you for help. I tried. I tried so hard, but I couldn't bare the look I kept imagining on your face if I told you. I just needed to say goodbye, and let you know I loved you like a son should love a father. Take care of JJ and the rest of the team for me._

_Love,_

_Your son,_

_Reid_

Gideon's shoulders shook and he passed a hand over his face as he struggled to keep the tears at bay. He took a deep breath and looked towards JJ and Reid. Reid was breathing shallowly, and JJ was making awkward movements as her body tried to help him and her mind told her there was nothing she could do but wait for the paramedics.

Gideon, empathizing, wrapped her in a hug. She turned and sobbed onto his shoulder. "Why?" She wailed. "Why would he do this?"

Gideon debated mentally for a moment. "Maybe you should read the letter he left you," he suggested hesitantly. Was she strong enough for this? Could she take whatever that letter said with Reid the way he was?

"Letter?" She asked, somewhat confused. Then realization set in. "A suicide letter," she breathed, sounding pained.

Gideon nodded. "He left one for everyone on the team," Gideon said, trying very hard to ignore the fact that Reid was sitting right there, dying, and they couldn't do anything but wait. At least with Hankel they could try to find him, but this time? He couldn't think of anything.

JJ wavered for a moment, then picked it up and began to read.

_Dear JJ,_

_I'm so sorry. I wish I could have done something different. I wish I'd been strong enough. I've barely been able to think since Hankel. He got me addicted to the dilaudid; I can't stop. I tried. I tried so hard, but I'm just not strong enough. I tried to tell you, I tried to ask you for help, but I couldn't. I just kept imagining a look of disgust on your face when you found out I was an addict – a junkie. And I couldn't stand it. And I've been so useless because of the drugs, and angry and bitter without them. I keep wondering if this is what schizophrenia would do to me, trapped in my own mind with whatever delusion it forced upon me._

_I don't think I ever told you, but my mother is a paranoid schizophrenic. I can barely visit her more than once a year. All I can see is myself in her position. I couldn't even write her a letter saying goodbye. What kind of son am I? What kind of person am I? But then, I know the answer, don't I? I'm a coward. It's why I'm telling you all of this in a letter. I'm not brave enough to say it while I'm alive. Not brave enough to tell you I love you. I don't even know why I'm telling you now; we both know I'm beneath you. But for some reason, I needed to tell you. And I'm sorry to burden you with that now of all times. I hope you can forgive me._

_Love,_

_Your Spence_

She didn't hear the paramedics arrive. She didn't feel Gideon try to get her attention. She didn't see them take Reid to the ambulance in a stretcher. She heard the blood rushing in her ears. She felt her head lighten. She saw only darkness as she fainted.

* * *

**Let me know what you thought! I need all the help I can get!**


	2. The Team

**For those who haven't read my profile, I, like Reid, have Asperger's. So if characters' reactions and interactions seem off - which it will when there are 3 or more people - that's why.**

* * *

_**The Team**_

"Morgan," Hotch called urgently, heading towards the elevator.

Seeing an unusually intense look in the eyes of his boss had Morgan practically running towards the man. "What's going on?" He asked intensely, but quietly.

"You were right," Hotch near-whispered back. "Gideon just called an ambulance for Reid. He tried to kill himself."

Morgan almost tripped over himself. Reid? Kill himself? No way. He had forced himself to hold on to life through torture, why would he kill himself now? Unless that was why…. "Morgan," Hotch said, snapping him from his thoughts. "Are you coming?"

He hadn't even realized that he had ground to a halt in his shock. "What about Emily and Garcia?" He asked as he force himself forward again.

Hotch frowned. "I haven't seen them. And I was so focused on getting to Reid, I-"

"I'll call them on the way," Morgan interrupted while pulling out his phone. "You drive."

Hotch nodded.

* * *

"Damn it," Gideon hissed, catching JJ before she hit the floor. He had been wrong; she couldn't take it all in at one time. Or maybe she would have fainted anyway. He didn't know, and he _couldn't _know without seeing the letter. But he wouldn't do that to JJ. Especially now. Picking her up, he carried her to his car, turned the sirens on, and chased the ambulance.

* * *

JJ was awake by the time they reached the hospital, but she didn't say a word. Tears streamed down her face, but she didn't appear to notice. Gideon couldn't help but wonder if she had finally realized how much Spencer meant to her as they sat in the waiting room, praying that Dr. Spencer Reid would survive.

JJ, meanwhile, was far away. She couldn't help but wonder how she had missed his feelings for her. Before Hankel, he had been more awkward but happier around her. Afterwards, when he had been so angry, he had been calmest around her. And even now, in these circumstances, she was almost tempted to laugh at how adorable he had been at the Redskins game. He clearly had no idea what was going on, but he tried so hard to learn for her, so she could have a good time.

And it was only now that she realized how well he had succeeded. How well he _always_ succeeded; even when he wasn't trying, he could always make her smile. And it brought a question to her mind.

Why must you lose what was important to you before you realized just how important it truly was?

And that mental query almost made her sob again. She couldn't lose Spence. She couldn't lose another person she loved this way, not this way...

* * *

It was a shock for Morgan when he spotted Gideon and JJ in the waiting room; bot because they were there, but because JJ - strong, passionate, JJ - was only being held up by Gideon as she stared off into the distance.

JJ couldn't keep her mind from his suicide - _attempted suicide,_ she forced herself to hope - and how it related to Hankel. She had thought they had been through the worst experience they could with Reid when he'd been kidnapped, but at least then they could _do_ something. Here, though...

"How's Reid?" Hotch asked from beside Morgan.

"Right now? I have no idea," Gideon replied with a heavy sigh. "He left us all letters."

"Letters?" Morgan found himself asking, sounding angry. "The kid left us letters? When he gets better, I'm gonna kill him!"

"NO!" JJ suddenly shouted angrily, leaping up and attacking Morgan with wild eyes. "You stay away! I won't let you hurt him! I won't let you hurt my Spence!" She shouted, throwing wild punches and even kicking before anyone could react. Hotch recovered from his shock before Gideon and dragged her off Morgan. And then she promptly broke down sobbing again, mumbling something about losing "her Spence."

"What the hell was that?" Morgan asked with wide, shocked eyes.

"That was a protective JJ suffering from a breakdown," Gideon said, wrapping his arms comfortingly around the young woman again. "She probably doesn't even recognize you right now. Not consciously, anyway."

"Does she need medical attention as well?" Hotch asked.

Gideon took a moment to think about it again, then shook his head. "This should be temporary, and there's nothing they can really do for her."

Hotch nodded. "You mentioned something about letters?" Hotch asked. No one missed JJ's flinch at the word letters. "I'm guessing she read hers?"

Gideon nodded. "I read mine, as well." He shook his head sadly. "If yours is anything like mine, you might want to be alone when you read them," he advised, handing over the letters he'd gathered before JJ collapsed.

Hotch nodded as he took his letter, but didn't leave them as he took it out of the envelope. Morgan took his more hesitantly, and decided to see how Hotch reacted before making his decision.

_Dear Hotch,_

_I know I've said it before, but I really don't think you're a narcissist. In fact, I think you care more about others than you admit. And I wanted to thank you for that. And for pushing me, even when I wished you hadn't. I think it was good for me. So I wanted to say thank you for everything...and goodbye._

_Sincerely,_

_Reid_

Morgan watched Hotch close his eyes, but otherwise he seemed outwardly fine. Hurt, of course, but not overwhelmingly. With that, he, too, opened his letter.

_Dear Morgan,_

_Thank you. I know that might seem like an odd thing to say right now, but I am truly grateful to you. Even when I was lashing out at everyone, you still tried to be there for me. And you were always trying to help me, and protect me. I know I didn't always appreciate it, but then, siblings don't always appreciate each other when they should, do they?_

_I know I don't have to ask you to do this, but could you please watch over the team for me? Especially JJ? I know you've suspected for a while how I feel. Even when you were pushing me to - how did you put it? - 'pick up chicks at a bar,' you suspected and kept it a secret. Thank you for that. Goodbye._

_Love,_

_Your Little Brother,_

_Reid_

Morgan closed his eyes and clenched his jaw, not bothering to wipe away the tears - there would just be more. "I should have read it alone," he tried to joke, his voice tight with grief. Gideon just pulled him into the embrace with JJ as Hotch watched.

* * *

When a stoic Emily and a frantic Garcia got there, Gideon was again holding JJ, Morgan was next to them, and Hotch was next to him. Gideon had his eyes closed, JJ seemed scarily empty, Morgan was clearly elsewhere, but not to the same dangerous degree as JJ, and Hotch, like Emily, appeared stoic. There was something more than what Derek had said.

"Well?" Garcia demanded. "How's our favorite genius? What's wrong with him? Can they fix it?"

"You didn't tell them?" Hotch asked Morgan. He hadn't been paying attention when Morgan made the call.

"How was I supposed to tell them that? I barely believed it myself. Hell, I still find it hard to believe," he muttered the last part mostly to himself.

"What's going on?" Emily asked cautiously. "And why does JJ look like she's about to go into a coma?"

"She...had a bad reaction to a letter Reid left her," Gideon explained carefully.

Emily wasn't a profiler for no reason. "Oh, God," she breathed. "Tell me he didn't...?" She left it open. Gideon nodded, and Emily lowered herself into a seat next to Hotch. "I knew something was wrong." Hotch rubbed her back comfortingly.

"What?" Garcia demanded. "What letter? What is going on?"

"Reid...He - " Morgan swallowed convulsively, "he tried to kill himself," he finished in a whisper.

"What? No, he wouldn't do that. He's always been so strong, he wouldn't - "

"Garcia," Gideon interrupted gently, but firmly. "Here's his letter to you. Emily, here's yours."

Garcia stared at the letter, horrified at what it meant. Emily looked surprised that she had received one for a moment, then cautiously opened it.

_Dear Emily,_

_I'm sorry for what I said to you before. You were right, I hadn't been myself. And when I got angry, you were the target I felt least guilty taking it out on, because we didn't know each other that well. Wow that sounds terrible. I'm sorry I never got a chance to really know you - first because of everything with Elle, then because of everything after Hankel. I'm sure you're a great person, and a great fit for the team. I just wanted to say sorry and goodbye._

_Sincerely,_

_Reid_

A variety of emotions crossed Emily's face before she firmly shut them down. _I forgive you, Reid._

Garcia watched Emily close herself off, then warily opened her own letter.

_Dear Garcia,_

_Thank you for being so friendly. You were a shining light to the team when we were on a case, always so open and caring; it helped get us through the dark. I think they're going to need you for that lightness you bring now more than ever; no matter how much I want to pretend otherwise, I know this will effect the team, and I think you'll be the one to help them through it. Thank you for that._

_Love,_

_Reid_

"Why?" Garcia asked, choking back a sob. "Why did he do this?"

"Do you remember Tobias Hankel?" Gideon asked as Morgan pulled the normally cheerful Tech Analyst to him.

"What's that bastard got to do with this?" Garcia asked angrily, ignoring the shocked stares from everyone except JJ and Gideon at her atypical vulgarity.

"Tobias shot him full of dilaudid in a misguided attempt to help him. And Reid got addicted. He hated the drugs, but they had too strong a hold on him for him to give them up on his own. And he was too independent to ask for help, no matter how much he knew he needed it," Gideon explained rather bluntly.

No one got a chance to reply, because at that moment, a doctor came to the waiting room to talk to the people worried about Spencer Reid.

* * *

**Thanks to Whatif-ifonly for help with this chapter! Go read her stories, they're better than mine.**

**And don't you love cliffhangers?**


	3. Left to Misery

**Sorry the doctor doesn't have a name, I'm terrible at making up names.**

* * *

_**Left to Misery**_

It really shouldn't have, but it surprised everyone when JJ was suddenly looking like her usual self and standing in front of the doctor. "How is he?" She asked. She sounded like she always did, calm and collected. She refused to continue her break down if Spence needed her...

Not noticing the looks the rest of the people were shooting the woman in front of her, the doctor answered with a reassuring smile, "He's gonna be fine." JJ closed her eyes and nodded, relieved, and the team behind her released a few relieved sighs, as well. "However, he's not quite out of the woods. He'll live, but it's clear that this is far from the first time he's had dilaudid from the simple fact that he survived that much in his system for that long."

"We know," Gideon said quietly from the back. "It's why he tried to kill himself. He couldn't quit, and he couldn't bring himself to ask for help."

"So we will have to post a suicide watch?" The doctor asked.

"No," Hotch answered. "If one of us is with him at all times, that won't be necessary. Besides, we plan on taking him home with us when he wakes. And yes, we know how to prepare for someone on withdrawal. But he can't stay here without it going on his record, and quite frankly he's too good at his job for me to allow that." He didn't say it, but the team also knew he _cared_ too much for Reid to allow that.

The doctor nodded thoughtfully. "I'll take you're word for it," she said. "At the moment, he's asleep. Due to all the drugs in his system, he might be out for hours, or even a day." She looked around and saw that they understood, causing her to nod to herself. "I assume you would wish to see him?" She asked, giving a meaningful glance towards JJ. Unsurprisingly, she received nods from everyone, and waved for them to follow her.

"Before you go in, you should be prepared; he's hooked up to a lot of things, and it can be frightening."

"Ma'am, we were forced to watch as this man was tortured and killed before being resuscitated and tortured again, I think we can handle some wires," Morgan answered a bit condescendingly.

"Morgan," Hotch cautioned, seeing the doctor look a little queasy. Morgan looked at Hotch, and Hotch gave a meaningful glance at the doctor.

Morgan sighed. "I apologize, doctor. In my defense, we are all under quite a bit of stress." Garcia grabbed his hand reassuringly, and he gave her a weak smile in return. It didn't manage reach his eyes.

"That's alright," the doctor accepted a little shakily. Emily swore she heard her mutter under her breath, "Who wouldn't be after all that plus this?" It almost made her stagger. They all felt terrible after watching Reid get tortured, but they never really tried to think on how Reid felt, not really. They didn't think on how he must have felt choosing who to save, who on the team he would have select to die, or how it felt to dig his own grave.

Thinking about it now, she almost threw up. He must have felt guilty, choosing randomly who lived and who died, guilty for choosing Hotch, and so terribly afraid and alone when he was forced to dig his own grave. And instead of helping, they had said to themselves, 'Let's leave him alone, he needs space.' And they thought it would work? Yeah, maybe he would have resisted their help, but leaving him alone wasn't the answer, obviously.

The team shuffled into the smallish room, making it a rather tight fit. JJ immediately went to Reid's left and grabbed his hand. She didn't say anything, just held his left hand with her own as her right stroked his face. The others shifted uncomfortably as they realized just how private this seemed to be.

"Anyone want coffee?" Emily asked awkwardly.

"Yeah, umm...I'll join you," Morgan offered, and they fled the room together. The room emptied pretty quickly after that.

"I love you, Spencer Reid," JJ whispered after everyone left. "I'm sorry I didn't realize it before; I'm sorry it took your - " she choked back a sob, "your suicide letter to make me see it, but I see it now. And when you wake up, I'll tell you so you can hear me. And when you get out of here and sober up, I'm going to take you to my house and show you how much. For three days straight, I'm going to show you how much."

Unable to say any more, she crawled onto the small bed, curling herself around him and wrapping his arm around her. She was asleep in minutes.

* * *

"Come on, just one picture?"

"No, Garcia, you can't take a picture," Morgan said again. "It would embarrass Reid."

"That's never stopped you before," Garcia shot back.

Morgan shut his eyes. "I know," he whispered.

"Derek?" She asked uncertainly.

"You never call me Derek."

"You never look like someone shot your puppy. What's wrong?"

"What's wrong?" He gave a slightly hysterical laugh. "My little - " he choked on a sob, "my little brother's in a hospital because he attempted suicide. He attempted suicide because he's addicted to drugs and can't stop. He's addicted to drugs because he was kidnapped and tortured, then received forced injections. But everything's peachy."

"But that's not what's bothering you," Garcia said quietly, laying a hand on his arm.

"No," he agreed just as quietly, the fight leaving him as quickly as it had been upon him. "I see him almost every day, and I didn't help. Instead, I teased him like I usually did. Tried to just go on like nothing happened for the most part. And he was depressed; he may have known intellectually it was teasing, but I probably just brought him more pain."

Garcia pulled him into a hug. "Don't worry. We'll get through this."

"I pray you're right, baby girl," he said hugging her back tightly. "I pray you're right."

* * *

Spencer woke slowly, but aware something wasn't right. He mentally frowned, wondering how he was waking at all. Keeping his eyes closed, he used his other senses to tell him where he was. There was the noise of business outside whatever room he was in, it felt like he had an oximeter on his finger, a cannula tube under his nose, a constant beeping. He was in a hospital. But how had he gotten there? And...was there someone in the bed with him?

He opened his eyes abruptly, but ended up having to squint against the light. Slowly, warily, he turned his head to the left. He inhaled sharply when he saw who it was. _JJ? Why is she in here? What happened? _The he remembered what he did - or rather, tried to do. _How am I still alive? No one should have been looking for me for a week!_

"JJ," Spence called quietly.

She moaned slightly in protest at being woken. _Please don't make that sound! _He shouted silently in his mind. Her eyes opened slowly and she peered up at him. "Spence?" She asked, clearly still not quite with it. Then she suddenly snapped to full alertness. "Oh my God, Spence! You're awake!" She hugged him to her tightly, and then her mood rapidly changed again. "Don't you ever do that to me again! Never!" And she sobbed into his chest.

"I'm with her, kid," Morgan interrupted from the doorway where he and Garcia had watched the whole thing. "You ever do that again, I will find a way to raise you from the dead so I can strangle you myself. Then," he paused, as though even he was afraid of this threat, "I'll give you to JJ."

Reid couldn't look any of them in the eye. "So, ummm...what happened?"

"You don't remember?" Asked Morgan sceptically.

"I...I remember...what I tried to do," he said hesitantly, still not able to look at anyone, "but how was I found?"

"You were found sitting in a chair with shallow breathing, a weak pulse, and already turning slightly blue," Gideon answered as he walked in. JJ hugged him even tighter at the reminder, but remained silent, just taking comfort in the fact that he had survived.

"That's...ummm...not what I meant," Reid said weakly. "No one should have been looking for me for at least a week!"

"Kid, did you really think we were just gonna leave you alone for that entire two weeks when it was clear somethin' was wrong?" Morgan asked, still with that note of scepticism.

"Well, yeah," Reid answered uncomfortably, but like it should have been obvious. Inexplicably uncomfortable, he turned to Garcia with puppy dog eyes.

"Oh, no," she said angrily. "You don't get to look at me like that! Not after what you did!"

"Reid, man, _why_ would you think we would leave you to your misery?" Morgan asked.

Reid shrugged uncomfortable, but stayed silent.

"Is this about your mom?" JJ asked quietly, still clutching him like a giant teddy bear. Reid shook his head, wondering why JJ was in the bed with him and why he wasn't freaking out.

"Yeah, I meant to ask you about that; I know how much you love your mom, so why no letter to her?" Morgan asked.

"You guys read my letters?" Reid asked, face paling rapidly.

"Yeah, we wanted to know what was up. But don't try to change the subject," Morgan warned.

Reid closed his eyes. "I couldn't," he whispered.

"But you thought it was okay to tell us?" Morgan asked, outraged.

"Morgan, just leave him alone," JJ defended, knowing he probably didn't want to share this. Garcia remained oddly silent, not sure what to feel or say, while Gideon simply watched, knowing they needed this.

"Leave him alone? That's what got is in this mess in the first place, not pushing hard enough. Besides, don't you want to know why he thought it was okay to practically put you in a coma from shock but not tell his mother?"

"Tell you what, Morgan," Reid snapped, suddenly defensive, "you figure out how to tell a paranoid schizophrenic that her son committed suicide because he became a drug addict, okay? Maybe you'll get lucky - and I use that word loosely - and she'll mourn for me. But more likely she'll say she doesn't have a son and has to get ready for a lecture, or assume it was the government making it look like a suicide. Or worst of all, she'll be the woman who's angry at me for placing her at Bennington and think 'good riddance.'"

Morgan and Garcia both looked stunned. Gideon slipped out unnoticed, having known all along. "Reid - man - I'm sorry, I didn't know -"

"Yeah, I know. I've hid it from everyone." Reid looked at JJ. "No, it's not about my mom - it's about my father." He looked around the room and realized he would have to tell the full story. Taking a deep breath, he began.

"When my mom found out she was pregnant with me, she went off her medication, trying to keep me healthy. Her schizophrenia came back, and after I was born, her medication didn't work anymore. By the time I was ten, my _father,_" he spat the word, "couldn't take it anymore and left." He laughed bitterly. "He left a ten-year-old to deal with a paranoid schizophrenic, knowing full well what she could be like. The days she couldn't remember having a son were the worst. So, Morgan, to answer your question, I'm used to being left to my misery." He abruptly stopped talking; he hadn't meant to say that much, but it came pouring out.

"I don't - I didn't - I'm sorry -" Morgan kept stumbling over his words, and was kind of grateful when Garcia rushed to hug Reid as tight as she could, not bothered in the slightest that she grabbed JJ in the hug, too. He shrugged and wrapped all three in a hug, which is how Hotch, Emily, and Gideon found them 2 minutes later.

* * *

**Not really sure how I feel about this one...**


	4. Every Step

_**Every Step**_

"I thought you said Garcia and Morgan were angry?" Hotch asked Gideon.

"So did I," Gideon replied.

Emily gave a bittersweet smile at the sight, wishing she was close enough to the people to join in. Matt was really the only person she could turn to like that, and she hadn't seen or talked to him in years.

"Ummm...guys?" Reid's muffled voice cam from the bottom of the pile. "You're starting to smother me."

"Deal with it, little brother," Morgan said, sounding surprisingly choked up.

Garcia, however, pulled back, bringing Morgan with her. "Come on my chocolate love muffin, we should be glad that touch-a-phobic Reid allowed us to hug him this long."

"The fear of being touched actually goes by several different names, including aphephobia, hapnophobia -"

"Spence," JJ interrupted, cupping his face. The genius froze, staring at her almost fearfully - afraid of what she could do to his heart. "I love you, but you're not getting out of this by quoting random facts or statistics."

Reid sighed as he forced himself not to view her, 'I love you,' the way he wished she meant it. "I could hope it was that simple."

"It ain't," Morgan reaffirmed.

"But we're not going to talk about it just now," Hotch interjected smoothly. "Reid, as of right now, you have two weeks off work to get clean. The team will cycle days off -"

"Hotch, I request 2 weeks off," JJ interrupted. Reid looked at her shocked, and missed the small smiles between Hotch and Morgan.

"I would rather you didn't," he said quietly to her.

"I would rather you hadn't tried to commit suicide," JJ countered firmly, raising an eyebrow in defiance. The others in the room decided they were staying out of this.

"JJ, I'm gonna be a wreck," Reid protested. "Diarrhea, vomiting, sweating, high blood pressure, fast heart rate, irritability, insomnia, fever, cramps, I'll probably get depressed again, and then I'll have such a strong craving I'll do almost anything."

"And I'll be with you every step of the way," JJ said firmly.

"No!" Reid nearly shouted. "I don't want you to see me like that," he said much more quietly.

"I saw you tortured, I saw you die, and I found you almost dead in your apartment from an overdose along with Gideon, I can handle you being sick." JJ wasn't backing down.

"Can you? Will you be able to handle it when I am literally crawling and in tears, begging and pleading for just a little bit of the drug? Can you handle me doing that for days?"

"For you," she whispered, "yes."

Reid swallowed thickly, but it was Hotch who spoke next, with a simple, "You'll get you're two weeks, JJ."

"What, no!" Reid protested. "Hotch, please don't let her see me like that," he begged.

"Reid, someone has to be with you at all times. We can't check you into an actual rehab facility without it going in your record, and while we understand that it was because of Tobias Hankel, it won't read that way in the file. As it is, I had to pull a few strings to ensure the dilaudid in your system wasn't recorded. So it's easier if it's just one person. Whoever is watching is probably not going to have their head in the game when they come back to work, and I know JJ won't regardless of whether she sees you or not."

"He's right, Reid," Gideon confirmed when he opened his mouth to protest again. "While all of us will be thinking of you, it won't be as bad as JJ, or as bad if we had just seen you in the process of detoxing."

"JJ, I know you want to be with Reid right now, but we need to get his clothes, find all his drugs to throw them out, then go to your house and remove anything and everything that he could take; he'll have to stay at your place because, as good as we are, we all know Reid can outsmart us and, in this condition, can't be trusted to tell us the location of all of his drugs."

Reid looked down, but didn't deny it.

"Don't worry about it, kid," Morgan reassured him, "we're here for you."

"Thanks...big brother," Reid said with a slight smirk.

"Hey, you started it with your letter," Morgan said, trying to make a joke out of it. Judging from the pain that still lingered in his eyes, it didn't work.

"Yeah, ummm...did _everyone_ read their letter?" He asked with a nervous glance at JJ's back as she walked out with Hotch. If she had read his letter, why was she seemingly so comfortable around him?

"Yep," Morgan said. Reid groaned, and put his head in his hands. "Tell me you didn't do what I think you did."

"I think I did," Reid moaned into his hands.

"What were you thinking kid?"

"Wait, what did he do?" Garcia asked.

"Mr. Genius, here, decided to put how he felt about JJ in his suicide letter to her. No wonder she was practically psychotic with shock when I got here."

"Psychotic?" Reid asked dubiously; it wasn't a term he could ever see being used to describe JJ.

"Wait, baby G-Man has feelings for JJ?" Garcia asked at the same time. Morgan nodded to her before turning back to Reid.

"You sure you want to hear this, kid?" Morgan asked, eyeing the young doctor warily. There was an equally wary light in Spencer's eyes, but he nodded. Morgan nodded and took a breath. "Gideon, care to explain?" He asked cheekily, partly to lighten the tension, and partly because he _really_ didn't want to tell the kid.

Gideon gave him a light glare, but stepped forward to explain, idly noting that Emily had slipped out at some point. He decided that blunt was best. "She finished your letter just as the paramedics were leaving with you, and promptly fainted. She woke up in my car, but didn't react to anything. I had to carry her into the hospital. The first thing she reacted to was Morgan. He said, and I quote, 'Letters? The kid left us letters? When he gets better, I'm gonna kill him!' She freaked, started attacking him, telling him to stay away from you, that she wouldn't let him hurt you, then broke down again after Hotch pulled her off Morgan. She only acted normal again when the doctor came out, I suspect because she wanted to be strong if you needed her."

Reid was staring with wide, guilt-filled eyes, and even Garcia looked shocked at the reaction from her friend. Gideon looked away, unable to find words to help him. Thankfully, Morgan stepped forward. "Look at this a second chance, kid. A chance to fix the damage you did." Reid shot him a surprised look. "Yeah, I'm not gonna lie and sugar coat this; you wouldn't believe me if I did, anyway. You _did_ do damage - and not just to JJ. But you _can_ get better and you _can _repair it. Broken bones heal stronger."

"Yeah, but emotions aren't bones, they're so much more fragile," Reid, voice rising in pitch and volume as he started to panic, "and now she's going to watch me go through withdrawal?" He looked up with watery eyes. "I can't do that to her!" It sounded like he was pleading.

"It's a bit late to decide that, now, isn't it?" Garcia snapped and stormed out, suddenly and uncharacteristically angry at him.

"I've got her," Gideon volunteered, already leaving the room.

"Baby girl may have been a bit harsh about it, but she _is_ right, Reid, it is too late. You have two choices - put JJ through what could be as little as a few days of hell that she knows will help you, or put her through months or years of worse hell by killing yourself, since we both know you're smart enough to find a way if you want to. Could you do that, knowing how she already reacted to you _almost _being dead?" He asked, playing on both Reid's feelings for JJ and his feelings of guilt.

"No," Reid whispered. "Thank you, Morgan."

"Anytime, kid. Anytime."

* * *

"Hey, what's wrong?" Gideon asked when he caught Garcia.

"He knew, he _knew_ that this was gonna hurt the team," Garcia said angrily after a moment. "He says he loves JJ, but tries to leave her like that. And he asked me to keep being cheerful for them! To 'light up their darkness'! How could he ask me that?"

"He asked me to continue to watch over the team, too, especially JJ," Gideon empathized. "He still cared about us, he just felt like he couldn't carry on, or perhaps that he was a burden. He knew it would hurt the team, but he believed he was hurting them more in the long run by staying. Hopefully, we'll be able to convince him otherwise."

"I hope so," Garcia said fervently, the anger draining out of her as quickly as it had arrived. "I don't think I can go through this again."

"You and me both, Garcia. You and me both."

* * *

"Do you want to talk?" Hotch asked after a few minutes of driving in silence.

Another short burst of silence ensued before JJ answered. "Two days ago, I viewed Spence as my nerdy brother...and then I read his sui...his suicide letter. How can someone mean that much to you, without you ever even realizing it?"

"I think that's a bit like trying to define love," Hotch said after a moment of thought. "You can't really explain it, it just is. A lot of life is like that, I think." JJ nodded, but didn't answer. Hotch studied her from the corner of his eye for a moment, recognizing that wasn't the only thing bothering her. "What else is on your mind?"

Again, there was a pause before she answered. "I don't know what to do. That was probably one of the worst ways to be told you're loved, but at the same time, I don't think any other way would have opened my eyes."

Hotch waited a moment, but when he realized she wasn't going to elaborate, he prodded, "So, you don't know what to do about...what?"

"I don't know whether to be angry and sad the he tried to kill himself, hurt that he couldn't confide in me, or happy that he opened my eyes and is okay so we have a chance."

Hotch chuckled a little darkly, "Yeah, I can understand that. I would say feel all of the above." She looked at him quizzically. "I heard or read somewhere that a sign of being an adult is having 2 opposite emotions at the same time without conflict. I certainly think that would fit this situation."

"Thanks, Hotch."

"Anytime, JJ. Now, how do you plan to rehabilitate our genius?"

She gave a slightly lascivious smirk. "Well, I was thinking I could tie him up -"

"Okay, you can stop," Hotch interrupted with a laugh that JJ joined in on, glad she could lighten the mood for both of them. "No, but really, Reid brought up some valid points. Will you be able to resist when he's vomiting, suffering from cramps, and sweating from a fever all while knowing that drugs could help? Because if not, I know Morgan would be strong enough. In fact, it might actually be better to have two people who can watch him around the clock."

"And deprive Garcia of her eye candy?" JJ asked with another laugh before turning serious again. "Actually, if you insist on two people, I would prefer Emily."

Hotch raised an eyebrow, confused by that; he didn't think the two were that close. "Really? Why?"

"I may not be a profiler, but I recognized the wistful look in her eyes when she saw the group hug you guys walked in on; she really wants to share the closeness we do. I think this would be a way for her to connect better and faster, I'll be grateful for the help, Reid will be grateful for the help in the end, and the rest of the team will appreciate it as well. She doesn't quite fit well enough that she'll be too missed, but just enough that it will be noticeable, making them appreciate her a little bit more."

"Sneaky," he commented with a smirk. "I like it. I'll have to ask Emily if she'll agree first, but I think she will; she tries to hide it, but she's a bit of a geek - she'll appreciate someone able to understand her, and I think Reid would, too. Plus, I think she has a bit of mother hen in her, too. Of course, this is going to make any cases a challenge, but better a challenging case than-" he cut himself off abruptly, realizing what he was about to say and to who.

"So Operation: M.E.F. is a go," JJ said, trying to ignore Hotch's unfinished sentence.

"M.E.F.?"

"Make Emily Family. I think Garcia's rubbing off on me," she said with mock dismay. Hotch just laughed.

* * *

**So what do you think?**


	5. Tell Me When it's Over

**Please note that I have never been through withdrawal, nor have I ever seen someone suffer through withdrawal. This chapter is based on research of symptoms, and my imagination - and probably some artistic license - as to the manifestation of those symptoms.**

* * *

_**Tell Me When it's Over**_

Reid was forced to stay at the hospital another day, and he had already begun to go through withdrawal. He was irritable, sweaty, and red-faced. He was familiar with these symptoms, though, having tried to detox on his own three times before. He could feel the cravings starting to make him shake as JJ pushed his mandatory wheelchair to her car.

"Last chance to change you're mind," Reid said as they reached her car.

"I'm not leaving you," JJ said quietly as he got out of the wheelchair and into the car. "Besides it's not just me anymore; Hotch realized after we left yesterday that one person can't watch you 24/7, so it will be me and Emily both watching you," she informed him before closing the door.

Reid wasn't quite sure what to make of that. The junkie in him quailed at the thought of not being able to get away, the man who wanted to quit rejoiced that he had a support system, and all of him squirmed with guilt, remembering how he had treated her. Hopefully he'd be able to apologize - in person as opposed to a suicide letter. But then, maybe not. She wouldn't even speak to him in the hospital.

He jumped slightly as the driver's door opened, interrupting his thoughts an allowing JJ into the car. "Alright, so Emily is already at my house, double-checking that any and all medication has been removed," JJ said. To Reid, she sounded like she was psyching herself up for a different topic, and he was afraid he knew what it was.

He was proven correct as she took a deep breath, and opened with, "We need to talk about your letter, Spence."

Reid didn't know whether to be upset about the topic, or relieved that she was still comfortable enough to call him Spence after reading his letter. "It's fine, JJ, I understand," Reid said reassuringly, fully believing that she was going to attempt to let him down easy.

"What is it you think you understand, Spence?" JJ asked, honestly curious as to what he thought.

Reid shrugged, not looking at her and subconsciously tapping his fingers on the door in his nervousness. JJ simply waited, making it clear she expected an answer. He sighed, and finally answered, rambling, "I understand you don't feel the same way. I don't expect you to. Why would you? The only thing I have going for me is my brain. I'm scrawny, socially awkward, I talk too much -"

"Stop," JJ demanded. He did."Do you really think that?" JJ almost whispered with restrained emotion. Was this why he babbled facts so often? He thought it was all he was good for?

"Err...which part?"

"All of it."

"Yeah." He still wasn't looking at her. "Which part is wrong?" He asked bitterly, upset about his flaws being discussed.

"All of it!" JJ near shouted passionately. "I'm sorry that it took your letter to see how much I love you, but I _do_ love you." Reid wanted to interrupt, but was too shocked. "You think the only thing you have to offer is your brain? You're kind, caring, and compassionate. I would describe you as wiry, not scrawny. Socially awkward? Yes, but you've gotten better, and I find it adorable. Talk too much? Sometimes, but who doesn't at times?"

"You love me?" Reid asked quietly. JJ chanced a glance at him; he had drawn his knees up to his chest and he couldn't quite bring himself to look at her. He looked like a terrified child, and God knew she'd seen too many of them. It was amazing how small someone so tall could look.

"Yes, Spence," she affirmed quietly. "I love you very much. I didn't even know it until your letter."

Reid didn't what to say or feel. Part of him was elated that she loved him, another was in horror he had put her through that when she loved him, another was still panicking that she was gonna see him in withdrawal, and part of him still wanted those damned drugs.

"Spence?"

His attention snapped back to the woman he loved - _and who loves you back! _A part of his mind shouted at him - and he realized she was waiting for a response. "I...I don't know what to say," he admitted quietly. "You already know I love you, too. And I'm sorry for what I did." And he was. A large part of him still couldn't believe that they were truly that hurt by what he did, but knowing that they had been made him feel terrible.

"I know you do, and I would hope you are," JJ said. "But we both know depression isn't a single battle."

"It is when it's only caused by drugs," Reid argued.

"Which it wasn't," JJ countered. "You were taking care of an adult at the age of eleven because your father abandoned the two of you; you feel guilty about placing your mother in a facility and barely visiting her; you were probably bullied in middle school and high school both for being so young and so brilliant. Yes, the drugs probably brought it to a peak, but it wasn't the first time you'd thought about suicide, was it?"

"You should be a profiler," Reid said in answer.

"Like I told Hotch, I like being the person the family can turn to, being the voice the poor overworked homicide detective can turn to when he runs out of leads." She reached over and grabbed Reid's arm, sliding her hand down until she could lace her fingers with his. "Just know that, no matter how bad you feel, I'll be here."

Reid gave her hand a quick but tight squeeze of gratitude. The rest of the ride passed in surprisingly companionable silence, but even when Reid started to shiver, neither ever let go of the other's hand. Everything wasn't alright, yet, but they would work at it until it was.

* * *

Emily found herself surprisingly anxious for Reid and JJ to get there, pacing and glancing out the window towards the driveway what felt like every second. She suspected part of it was that she was uncomfortable being in JJ's home without her there, but the majority of her was worried about how she was going to interact with him.

She couldn't deny that she was hurt by the fact that he had taken out his frustrations on her, but she also knew that a good portion of it was the drugs talking.

_But was it all the drugs?_ A traitorous part of her mind whispered.

And that was the crux of the matter. Did he resent her for taking Elle's place so seamlessly? Was he afraid of her taking his place in the dynamic of the team, or overshadowing him somehow? Was he upset with her for some other reason?

She didn't know. And that made her nervous.

If he was mad at her regardless, what would he say going through withdrawal, when he was lashing out so others would feel some portion of the pain he felt? She hated to admit it, but Reid's acceptance was important to her. Not just because his acceptance would make it easier for the rest of the team to accept her, but because she wanted another nerd to talk to.

She gave a slight jump when she heard JJ's door open, then laughed quietly at herself as she realized how absorbed she had become into her thoughts.

"Come on, Spence, only a little farther to go," Emily heard JJ softly encourage as she went to greet them. She was shocked at what she saw.

Reid looked terrible; he was bent over, right arm wrapped around his stomach like it was in pain, left arm wrapped around JJ's shoulders as she helped to support him. He was also pale, sweaty, shivering, and appeared to be nauseous. She wanted to rush forward and help, but she couldn't with his arm wrapped around his middle like that. Instead, she was reduced to simply holding the door open as they passed and following after them.

"I forgot - ah! - how much this - mmnn - hurts," Reid commented as they laid him on the couch.

"You've gone through this before?" Emily asked, shocked.

Reid gave a dark, mirthless, chuckle. "I must have tried to detox - ah! - on at least six different - mmph - occasions on my own. I - nngg - didn't mean that I had - uh! - done drugs before," Reid explained.

"What's wrong?" JJ asked, stroking his head gently, only to pull her hand away in horror at just how hot he was and how much he was sweating.

"Just - mmnng - cramping," Reid said, fists clenching.

"What can we do?" Emily asked, concern clear in her voice.

"Just...give me - nnmmnn - some water."

JJ was gone so fast Emily half-wondered if she learned to teleport. "Emily..." Reid said, grabbing her attention. "Wanna say - huh! - sorry."

"Tell me when it's over," Emily commanded softly.

Reid nodded as JJ walked back into the living room with a water bottle. Reid took it gratefully with a muttered thanks and brought it to his lips. Just before he took a sip, he brought it away. "I'll need - hnnn - a bucket soo - ooh - oon," he gasped.

Again, JJ seemed to teleport away, and then she was back again with a bucket before Emily could blink. "Emily, why don't you go sleep," JJ whispered as she stroked Reid's hair. "We need to watch him 24/7, so one of us will have to sleep while the other watches him."

Emily nodded, rather grateful to be away from the clearly tender moment. Leaning over JJ, she patted Reid's hand. "We're here for you, Reid," she said before heading to the guest bedroom originally set up for Reid; it was rather obvious he wasn't going to reach it in the state he was in. She shook her head, marvelling at the strength he had to even _attempt_ this alone.

As she fell asleep, she wondered what was going on between JJ and Reid...

* * *

When she felt a hand on her shoulder, she automatically reached for her gun. "Whoa, Emily, it's me, JJ," she heard.

"JJ?" Emily asked, a little disoriented from being awakened. Then the memories rushed back and she was wide awake. "How's Reid?" She asked, sitting up.

"Not good," JJ answered. "He started throwing up soon after you went to bed. Two hours later, he started begging me for the drugs. He's asleep - or at least unconscious - now." Emily thought JJ wasn't looking so good herself; her eyes were rimmed with red and she looked haunted.

"Go to sleep, JJ," Emily said quietly, swinging her legs off the bed. "I'll take care of our genius," she reassured her.

JJ nodded, looking too tired and distraught to be grateful, and crawled into the guest bed, surprising Emily. JJ was out before Emily closed the door, too emotionally exhausted to stay awake any longer.

Quietly creeping down the stairs, Emily frowned when she heard movement. "Shit," she muttered, running the rest of the way downstairs and into the kitchen. She closed her eyes for a moment to battle the tears as she saw Reid crawling on the ground, rummaging through cabinets on a search for drugs. _At least he didn't leave,_ she thought.

"Reid," she said softly, grabbing his attention.

"Please," he whimpered, crawling towards her, looking up at her with wide, watery eyes. "Please, I need them, they help. They make me feel _sooo goood_," he pleaded to Emily, who was growing more horrified by the second.

"Oh, God," she muttered quietly to herself. Her heart went out to JJ, knowing that seeing Reid like this must have been even worse for the blonde than it was for Emily.

Setting her horror to the back of her mind, she sat on the floor Indian style and dragged Reid into her lap, holding him as he sobbed and begged, whispering assurances in his ear, and gently rocking him into an exhausted sleep - for real, this time.

* * *

JJ walked quickly down the stairs, praying that last night had been the worst of it. She wasn't expecting to find Reid curled up in Emily's arms, the two of them asleep on the kitchen floor. Knowing it was irrational, she managed to fight down the surge of jealousy enough to not immediately awaken and separate them - but not enough to keep quiet as she made herself breakfast and coffee.

Part of her jealousy was, of course, that they were sleeping together - even if it was only platonic - before she and Spence had truly established anything more than their feelings for each other.

But the larger part of her jealousy was because it was Emily who helped Reid, and not her.

A groan behind her signalled someone waking up, but she didn't turn to see who. "This is bad," a weary female voice said behind her.

"What is?" JJ asked, pushing down harder on her jealousy as she turned to face a startled-looking Emily.

"Uh...this," she said eloquently, gesturing at herself, Reid, and JJ.

JJ sighed and turned back to the coffee machine, a little guilty that she'd made Emily uncomfortable. "I'm sorry, Emily," JJ said without turning around. "I know I shouldn't be jealous, but-"

"But you found your boyfriend sleeping on the floor with a sexy, older woman?" Emily interrupted with a teasing smile, spinning JJ around.

Inexplicably, JJ found herself relaxing and smiling back. "Not quite how I was gonna phrase it, but that, too." She shook her head at herself, abruptly losing her smile and looking down. "No, I was more jealous that you were the one to help him."

"I don't think that's true," Emily said thoughtfully. JJ looked back up, curious. "Reid's...let's call it an episode, didn't last very long. Either you'd already seen and helped him through the same thing I saw, or his desire to protect you overcame his desire for drugs. Considering he had enough presence of mind to pretend to sleep, I think it was the former, but either way, you probably helped him through the worst of it more than I did."

"Thank you," JJ said, the genuine gratitude obvious in her tone.

"I'll tell you the same thing I told Reid when he tried to apologize for taking his anger out on me - tell me when it's over."


	6. Strong Enough

**Yep, this is the last chapter already. This fic was always intended to be short, it was just a setup for the sequel called _Strength in Numbers_. It's going to take place immediately after this fic ends, and I've already started working on it. I'll post a new chapter here to let you know when I've posted the first chapter, but I expect it to take at least a month, maybe even longer because I'm getting a second job and going back to school.**

* * *

_**Strong Enough**_

The next week seemed to blur - slowly. Emily's theory appeared to be correct, as Reid rarely begged JJ for drugs. Emily wished she could say the same, because watching Reid beg like a child was heartbreaking - though the begging had eventually slowed to a stop. And the one time Reid had gotten violent was also with Emily. She wanted to dig up Charles Hankel and make him see what he'd caused his son to do before torturing him. She wondered if he would even understand the horror of it. And the darkness of her thoughts made her shudder.

"What's up?" JJ's soft voice asked from behind her, making her jump.

"Just...dark thoughts," Emily explained, glancing at the couch where Reid slept restlessly. His cravings were finally slowing, and the cramps seemed to have disappeared, but he still had trouble sleeping, he still shivered, he still sweat, and he still had the fever. Thankfully, those symptoms, too, seemed to be lessening.

"You want to dig up Tobias Hankel and torture him, too?" JJ asked wryly.

"Actually, no, I want to torture Charles Hankel. Yeah, Tobias was the face, but it was Charles who was the real evil. Charles abused Tobias, pushing him to do drugs, and caused his fractured psyche," Emily explained, shaking her head sadly. "Who knows what Tobias could have become if he had been raised by someone else. Maybe he could have even become like Garcia, look how good he was with computers. All that talent, wasted because of an abusive father who twisted religion. It's a shame."

"I...hadn't really thought of it that way," JJ admitted. "It's just so easy to see the face of the man who tortured Reid and think of him as the one doing it, not the father's personality in the son's body." Emily nodded, but remained silent, sensing that JJ needed to get something off her chest. "I just - I hate him - Tobias, I mean - _so much_, even with the point of view you've just given me. I've never felt hate this intense before. What if it consumes me? Changes me?" She ended in a whisper.

"JJ, I don't think hate _could_ consume you or change you; you care too much about the victims for that. And even if it _could,_ I don't think it would be over a man dead and buried," Emily reassured. "Besides, you have Spence to keep you happy. And he's almost guaranteed to do his best to do that, like a devoted puppy."

JJ laughed softly at the comparison. "Maybe, but don't let him hear you call him that - puppy is too close to a baby, and we all know he feels we think that about him."

"Well, I would hope you don't," Emily smirked.

"Nope," JJ replied glibly. "And I hope he gets better soon, because, even though he was unconscious, I promised him three days of showing him how much I love him."

"JJ!" Emily scolded with a laugh.

"Hey, I want to see just how much magic his hands can do!" JJ laughed as well.

"That is some great motivation to get better," Reid said from the couch, causing the ladies to jump.

"Ehh...Spence!...ummm...How long have you been awake?" JJ asked.

"The first clear words I heard were, 'devoted puppy,'" he said, sitting up. Despite his calm voice, the ladies could now see his heavy blush. Of course, having been caught, they were also blushing a little and it took them a moment to notice certain changes.

JJ, of course, noticed first, and immediately hopped up excitedly to see if she was right, embarrassment forgotten. She pressed the back of her hand to the forehead of a startled Spencer Reid, and promptly cheered and hugged him. "You don't have a fever, and you're not caked in sweat, the worst of it is over! Thank God! Thank God!" She chanted, almost sobbing in relief.

"And the cravings have lessened," Reid said, smiling in realization as he wrapped his arms around her. "They aren't gone yet, but they're going," he gave a sigh in relief. His euphoria gave him an uncharacteristic boost in confidence, and he found himself tilting JJ's head up and kissing her gently.

Emily blinked as she watched Reid - Spencer Reid, the guy with an astonishing amount of self-confidence issues around women - initiate the first kiss that she knew of between himself and JJ. It started off gently, but she quickly grew uncomfortable as the kiss grew more heated. When she noticed JJ's hands working themselves under Reid's shirt, she realized she had to say something soon. "Hey! I am still here you know."

JJ broke apart for a moment to mutter, "Then go away," and promptly turned her attention back to Reid.

Emily felt hurt at being brushed aside so casually, but turned away. Surprisingly, though, Reid stopped his, apparently, _very_ soon-to-be lover, and - gasping for breath - stopped Emily from leaving. "No, Emily, don't go yet. That was incredibly rude of us after all you've done." He was still panting, and he realized his hands were still roaming over JJ. He forced himself to take a step back from her and attempted to control his breathing. Refocusing on Emily, he said, "I know it's not _quite_ over yet, but I think it's close enough that I can apologize for taking my anger out on you. And thank you for your help during my...ummmm...episodes."

JJ managed to tear her eyes away from Reid and look at Emily. "I agree, I think I can finally say thank you, too," she said with a smile, trying not to think of Reid's hands all over her body.

"It was no problem -" Emily began before Reid cut her off.

"Don't dismiss what you did. Despite what I said in New Orleans, you do know me well enough that there's no way this could have been easy for you, and staying to help me out means a lot."

"I didn't do it just for you," Emily said. "I did it mostly for me. And for everyone else on the team," she added, with a nod towards JJ.

"How was it for you?" Reid asked, honestly curious.

"Reid, you shouldn't have to ask a woman that," Emily teased, her lips curving in a slight smile as he blushed and sputtered. "I need a nerd on the team to talk to during cases," she confessed. And then she left to give them some quality time alone.

"Is it me, or was that an odd exit?" Reid asked JJ, trying to fight down his blush.

"Don't care," JJ replied. Reid didn't get to ask why, as her lips on his provided both an answer and a distraction.

However, before things got too heated, Reid pulled back, making JJ moan in disappointment. _Dear God don't make that sound!_ Reid screamed in his head, much like he had at the hospital. Out loud, he gasped, "Not like this."

"What?" JJ asked, appearing dazed and looking up at him through heavy lids.

"Not like this," he repeated before clarifying. "I don't want our first time to be like this. I want to take you out on dates, first, court you. I want to build up to this. I don't want to rush things. We have all the time in the world, I'd rather go slow and steady so we can be absolutely sure, before rushing things and making everything uncomfortable if it doesn't work out."

"That's sweet," JJ said, reaching up to stroke his face. "But I made a promise."

"Well, you can keep your promise, just not as soon as you thought you could," Reid offered weakly.

"Maybe, but it also means that we essentially kicked Emily out for no reason."

"Huh?" Reid asked, completely oblivious.

"She was trying to give us time alone," JJ said.

"Oh," Reid said. "OH!" He exclaimed, eyes widening and a blush spreading across his face as the full meaning behind her words sank in.

JJ giggled at his expression, but turned contemplative quickly. "Maybe we should invite her back," JJ suggested.

"Why?"

"To let her know that she's welcome, and that we truly meant what we said. Maybe the three of us could watch a movie, just relax without the pressure of a case, or an addiction, or any other problems."

"I could agree to that," Reid said slowly, eyeing JJ to make sure it was what she really wanted.

"Good," JJ said firmly, pulling out her phone. "Hey, Emily, it's JJ...No, nothing's wrong...Yeah, but he wants to be a gentleman and court me...I know, but it can be frustrating...Who doesn't? But anyway, I called to invite you back over...I know you just left, but I thought it was because you wanted me and Spence to have a special kind of alone time...We thought we could watch a movie, or something, you know, just hang out as friends...Hello?...Okay, great! We'll see you soon! Bye."

"She'll be over soon," JJ told Reid as she hung up the phone.

"I heard. So, ummm...what movie will we be watching?"

"Have you ever seen _The Lion King_?"

"No. I've heard of it, though, it's Disney's 32nd animated film. What's it about?"

* * *

"Prentiss...JJ? Is something wrong?...But you guys appeared to be very, umm, busy, when I left...That's sweet...I hate being frustrated...But I just left!...Well, yeah, I guess it was. So what would we do?... ...Sorry, I'm here. Ummm, yeah, I'll be back shortly...Bye."

Emily kept driving towards her apartment for a little bit longer, lost in thought. They had invited her back...they wanted to hang out as friends, relax...with her. It had been quite a long time - almost 20 years - since someone had done that with her when they knew most of her true personality. Doyle got a front, and her team with the CIA only saw the part of her that was hardened, the part that was all agent. JJ and Reid didn't know about her undercover work with Doyle, but they did know her. So, with a wide smile, she turned around and headed back to JJ's...to her friends.

* * *

"...So it's like a kids version of Hamlet with talking animals?" Emily heard Reid ask in a confused manner as she walked through the open door.

"Basically, yes." Emily could hear the smile in JJ's voice before she caught sight of her.

"What are you guys talking about?" Emily asked, sitting down in the chair next to the couch the couple was on.

"JJ decided we were going to watch _The Lion King_ and was explaining to me what it was about," Reid explained. "Have you seen it?"

"Yeah," she said, raising an eyebrow at him. "How have you _not_ seen it? It's been around for over a decade, there've been plays about it, and it's even been performed on ice!"

"I only watch the SciFi channel and the history channel. And I read during commercials," Reid explained.

"Well, you _can_ read a small novel in the time allocated to commercials," JJ teased lightly, causing Reid to flush slightly.

* * *

Reid woke up in the middle of the night to the DVD menu for Aladdin on the television screen; JJ had decided they were going to watch a few more Disney movies that Reid had missed, including _The Little Mermaid_, _Pinnochio, _and _Aladdin. _JJ had fallen asleep on top of him, and Emily was passed out in the chair.

Moving cautiously, he managed to get away from JJ without waking her and shut off the electronics. Still moving carefully and quietly, he then picked up JJ, carried her upstairs, and tucked her into her bed. He repeated the actions with Emily - tucking her into the guest bed - before going back downstairs to sleep on the couch. _Maybe I am strong enough to beat this,_ he thought as he drifted off to sleep, _with help_.

* * *

**Thanks again to whatif-ifonly for helping with this chapter!**

**I don't know if the symptoms can truly last this long or fade this quickly, but if they can't, just pretend.**


	7. Sequel!

The sequel is now up!


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